


All Time Low

by Whoops_heck



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-11-04 00:14:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10978341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whoops_heck/pseuds/Whoops_heck
Summary: Akaashi Keiji is swept away from the only thing he's ever known. Gentle hands replacing attacking ones. Bruises replaced with home cooked meals.It's new.The kids are new, the school is new, his life is new.And he's scrambling for a foothold in the perfection.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Name inbetween ----- = pov switch
> 
> Just ----- = time jump or something like that
> 
> Enjoy!

I'm crawling my way through the darkness. Bruises too big to cover. Bottles smashed against the wall. I'm too busy's and maybe next time's fill my life. Excuses are second nature and I can't distinguish the lie from the truth anymore.

The way he moves is like a shadow in the darkness. 

I can't make it out but I know he's there.

He's always there.

His hands are wrapped around my throat and he's squeezing. I can't breath. Dirt cracked nails claw at skin that gives way to the black mass drowning in.

My arteries are filling with poison.

Someone pulls the plug and the black sludge melts away down the drain.

Someone lights a candle and suddenly i'm drowning in something else. Light fills my lungs and I can breath again.

\-----

The house was large. Intimidatingly so. Three stories clambered up from the ground in a great expanse of off-white siding and clean windows.

A basement level layed beneath but I skipped that on the tour. I'm not a fan of dark or tight places and I was promised the basement would consist of both of those. 

The woman guiding me around I suppose was my foster mom.

My emergency placement was not too good. The woman was overworked and the man was off getting drunk half the time. Of course I wasn't meant to know this and the woman worked even harder trying to hife the truth from me.

I spent a week there.

It wasn't awful, it definitely could have been worse. That I knew for a fact. Horror stories I've heard of the foster system run through my head like analog.

"This is the second of three bathrooms. You wouldn't think that we'd need all of them but trust me we do. If one's occupied you can either wait it out or run to another. Weigh the benefits type of thing. It's a whole system."

I nod to her and realise I've been silent for the entirety of the tour and it must be tiring having to keep up the conversation on her own. I clear my throat and she turns smiling.

"Thank you Mrs. Sadai."

"No problem deary."

She's beaming.

The rest of the house is much the same. I'm acquainted with a pet or two and simply by observing find out some key things:

One of them has asthma

There's an artist in the bunch

Two of them are allergic to cats, one hates them and one likes them anyway

There are six of them.

These facts are picked up from photos and mail and drawers precariously left open. I'm observing my surroundings but I'm also observing my new caretaker.

She has comfortable shoes on. They're scuffed and old but fairy clean on the bottoms. She works inside and I can only assume she's a nurse or a doctor based on the make of the shoes themeselves.

She's nervous.

Understandably so.

I am too.

"This is the oldest's room. Introductions will be later by the way."

I hadn't even thought about that.

"What are they like?"

I interrupted her demo on how to properly use a washing machine with my question and her glowing smile once again turned to me.

"Well they're good kids. They really are. It's a big house even when filled with five kids-

I curse my miscalculation and try to figure out who the other kid in the picture could have been

-but they'll be glad to meet you."

I small smile tugs at the corners of my mouth but I hide them with my hand. I probably looked like a psychopath but Mrs. Sadai doesn't seem to mind.

"Come on, we've just got a few more rooms."

The tour passes quickly. Too quickly for my liking because this is the moment of truth and I don't know what to do. I'm fine with adults; in fact conversation comes quite easily to me.

But when confronted with someone my own age I freeze up. Like a deer in headlights.

It's almost as if she can sense my nerves.

"Don't worry sweety. They're all really nice I promise."

I give her a nervous smile and hers is once again ablaze. This is going to take some time to adjust to.

\-----

Kuroo

\-----

The icecream tastes like nerves and I can sense that everyone around the table feels the same. Even Tsukki who's not even an official part of this family vould be sene bouncing his knee. Anxiety filled the delicious frozen treat that none of us could properly enjoy.

"Listen guys,"

Everyone's heads snap up to meet my gaze.

"I know we're all a little nervous about meeting the new kid but do not fret. Were we all not worried about Hinata not liking us? Now look at us!"

My hands are stretched out wide and I can feel dirty glares coming from other tables.

"Hinata's one of our key players in backyard volleyball. He taught you how to swim Yachi. Didn't he do your art homework a couple of times Oikawa. He orders food for you Kenma all the time. Hinata's one of us now," they seemed unconvinced, "Don't worry guys. Just remember how nervous you were coming here."

"I wasn't nervous at all," I roll my eyes at the absolute bullshit coming out of Oikawa's mouth. Although I suppose I should be used to it.

"You nearly pissed yourself, but let's not get sidetracked. The point is we have nothing to worry about."

\-----

Akaashi

\-----

"Hello, my name is Akaashi Keiji. Pleasure to meet you."

The kids were stuck in a line all staring at me with wide eyes. Thankfully the staring came to an end when someone decided enough was enough and broke the akward silence by stepping forward and sticking out a hand. I was greeted by messy black hair and a smirk.

"Kuroo Tetsurou, oldest of the bunch and unofficial leader."

He shook my hand gingerly and I moved to look at the rest of the kids in line. New siblings. Foster siblings. Whatever the hell you want to call them, they were my new family. Whether I liked it or not.

"Who made you leader?"

A brown haired boy speaks up and I am nearly taken aback by his sheer beauty, it's strange but nice. 

"No one that's why I said unofficial."

Mrs. Sadai intervened before confrontation could arise. She gave me a nervous smile and I returned the expression.

"Why don't I just do introductions. This is Yachi Hitoka." 

She waved happily at me and I smiled slightly.

"This is Hinata Shoyo-"

A loud bang filled the room and I was thankful that I wasn't alone in flinching. I kept my eyes to the ground and subconsciously shrunk in on myself a little bit. I did not want to be the center of attention when whomever slammed the door made it to the living room.

Loud footsteps that scared me something awful could be heard throughout the house. I was in a new place and I didn't know what to do. Usually I'd just calm down in a quiet room but I didn't know what to do. My feet were stuck to the ground and it took all my strength to run away.

I made a swift yet quiet exit to the third bathroom and locked the door behind me. In an attempt to calm myself I ran water in the tap and splashed my face.

You're ok.

This is ok.

The water didn't drown out the voices.

It was muffled words yelled at a volume I didn't think possible. But it didn't seem aggressive. It was... Friendly?

In my internal panic I didn't hear the sudden silence or the approaching footsteps.

A knock resinated through the small bathroom.

"Hello? You in there?"

Dumbly, I nodded. Then gave a small affirmative noise instead.

"Ok, I don't know who you are but my name's Bokuto. I'm really sorry for scaring you. I didn't mean it I swear. I didn't even now you were coming so I'm sorry."

He rambled on and on and I struggled to keep myself calm but his voice helped. His nonsense registered as comfort and I smiled slightly.

"It's ok, I'll be alright."

He sighed a sigh of relief and I couldn't help but let one out myself. 

"Tell them I'll be out in a few minutes."

"Will do." 

\-----

As I walked through the doors of Fukurodani highschool I only had two things on my mind; Kuroo Tetsurou and a way out.

Through my five day "settling in" period I got to know the family a little better. Little quirks and big red buttons with a flashing light saying: DON'T PUSH ME.

One of Yachi's quirks was her forgetfulness. I helped her bake on day and she put in twice the amount of sugar. She thought she hadn't put it in yet and we were left with rotting teeth and dumb smiles.

Yachi's big red button was her past. Don't mention it. Don't hint at it. And never say the name Kiyoko.

Oikawa had quirks for everyday of the week. Most were cute, others weird, some down right terrifying. But the one I've experienced first hand is Oikawa's innate ability to tell if someone's upset. Through sideways glances and raised eyebrows he will pin you down and find out exactly what happened without ever leaving his seat.

Oikawas button is physical contact. Well he can touch others, they just can't initiate it. He told me why and I nearly threw up.

One quirk Kenma had was picking. His nails, scabs, anywhere he could flick away skin he would. I soon learned that if anyone in the family sees him doing this they swat away his hand. I was alone with him once and he started doing it. Not having the heart to swat him, I slowly grabbed his hand and pulled it away. He looked up at me full of teary eyes.

His button I have yet to find out. At least I haven't collected enough information to form an accurate conclusion.

Hinata is a ball of energy who's whole personality seems to be a list of quirks. It's strange to say the least. He has OCD and it's painfully obvious. He stirs his drink thirteen times before drinking it, no matter what. He ties and reties his shoes twice every morning. He washes every surface and checks every lock at nine pm every night. His quirks are his disorder. I suppose the list would be too long.

His red button is unfortunately a very common and unavoidable part of life. Dirt. He will scrub his skin raw and use enough handsanitizer to last a lifetime when confronted with a mess. He was glad to hear I keep my room clean, "Less work for me."

And finally Kuroo. A mysterious specimen. Gorgeous in appearance, a studious being, and an all around perfect person. His quirks were hidden behind smirks and a bad haircut.

He hadn't shown me anything besides witty comments and bad puns.

He was a mystery.

That was one of the things on my mind, the other wasn't an unusual for someone my age. No one wants to be the new kid at school. No one wants to go to school in general. I don't blame them.

"Akaashi, do you need help finding the office?"

Yachi said sweetly gripping both straps of her backpack tightly. Her knuckles where nearly white.

"I think I'll be fine, but thank you."

"No problem, plus if anyone gives you shit I'll fight them."

"Thank you but I don't think that will be necessary."

We split ways with head nods and nervous thumbs up.

My first day and I had two things on my mind, an unofficial leader and how to avoid my problems.

I walked down the hallway and counted my steps. 

Seventy one.

Seventy two.

Sevent-

Stumbling backwards thoughts run wild in my head,

Of course this would happen. Just like those cliche movies and t.v shows I'm going to get the shit beat out of me. Am I the nerdy kid? I don't have glasses though. Maybe i'm just the mysterious new kid.

Don't think so highly of yourself.

"Sorry."

"You alright?"

I looked up to see a boy towering above me. Although tall he didn't seem too old. Maybe he was a junior too. Could be a sophmore.

Despite his height his figure was lanky and skinny. He couldn't have been older than me. For that I am sure of.

But what grade?

A snap in my face pulled me from the inner dialog.

"Are you ok?"

"Where's the office, I'm supposed to get my class schedule."

He looked at me strangely from behind glasses. His glare was meant to be cold but it seemed as though his eyes hid a smile. A small one, but a smile none the less.

"It's on the way to my first class, I'll show you."

He turned around and I wasn't so convinced this was the way to his class. Following like a soldier, we weaved through a sea of students. It was a lot to deal with but I just pinched my thumb and looked down.

It helped.

"Here you are."

"Thank you..."

I waited for him to tell me his name but no words left his lips. A swift exit and a confusing feeling was the only thing left in the hallway as I slipped into the office.

A women with kind features and a bowl of candy greeted me. I didn't except her offer of a Jolly Rancher instead taking the paper from her hand. On it was a chart with various class names, teacher names, and rooms on it. Stapled to the back was a map.

"Do you need someone to show you around Sweet thing?"

I looked up and then returned my gaze to the thumbs I unintentionally started fiddling.

"Yes m'am."

\-----

Suga

\-----

"Will Sugawara Koushi please report to the office. Thank you."

The intercom shut off just as suddenly as it had whirred alive. Daichi gave me a curious glance but said nothing as I packed my things.

This was it.

I'm getting expelled.

I'm not going to graduate highschool, I'm never going to college, I'm not going to get married, and I'm going to die a bum on the streets.

The clicking of my feet filled the hallway and a door swinging open caught my attention. 

"Holy shit Tanaka. You've gotten ballsier."

He turned to me smiling viciously. I did not want to know who came out the closet after him so I sped up my pace and sent a peice sign iverknow my shoulder. Immediately regretting doing so a second later.

That was weird.

Oh god, Tanaka is going to think you're so weird now.

Great.

I'm going to die a bum with no friends.

"Ah Sugawara, how are you?"

"Very well thank you. Although I am curious as to the reasoning for my being summoned to the office."

"We have a new student who I'd like you to tour."

I turned my head to the statue-like kid to my left. He had shaggy and curly hair. It was black and fell loosely on tan skin.

He was attractive.

He'd do fairly well here. Looks somewhat smart too. Well dressed but not over doing it, this kids alright.

"Pleasure to officially meet you, my name's Sugawara but you can call me Suga."

I stuck out a hand and put on my most convincing it's-nine-in-the-morning-and-I-totally-don't-want-to-die smile.

It seemed to do the trick.

"Akaashi Keiji."

He'll be fine.

\-----

Tsukishima

\-----

Algebra smelled like apples and new kids.

I had a crush in someone I barely spoke to.

Great

 

This is great.

Just fucking perfect.

X equals negative B, plus or minus the square root of B squared minus 4 A C all over 2 A.

The quadratic formula isn't doing anything for me right now.

No parabola can save me.

Algebra smells like apples.

Algebra sounds like the clicking of a pen.

Algebra feels like soft tan skin.

Shit.

\-----

Akaashi

\-----

"Here's your first class. I'll meet you outside here in about fourty five minutes. Once class is over."

I nod shakily and let my hand graze over cool metal. Rip the bandaid. 

I'm greeted by staring eyes, and a teacher who doesn't seem to understand what's going on.

"My name is Akaashi Keiji. I'm a new student."

"Welcome Akaashi. Take a seat over there. We're reviewing the quadratic formula, do you know this yet?"

I nod my head and sit down next to a familiar bundle of energy. The school is large but at the same time, infinitely smaller than I'd like. Looking around the room I realize not only do I share this class with Hinata, but the guy who showed me the office earlier.

Is Hinata ahead in math?

Art kids are smart kids I guess.

Heh, rhyming.

"Akaashi? Can you tell my what the axis of symetry is for this equation?"

I squint my eyes slightly.

"Your vertex is 5, -7 so your axis of symmetry would be 5."

"Very good."

Hinata turns to me eyes wide.

"Can you teach me to do that?"

I raise an eyebrow.

"To do the math in your head?"

"Sure Hinata."

\-----

The Sadai's got a new foster kid.

All eyes were on Akaashi.

He'd never felt smaller.

\-----

Akaashi

\-----

I can make it through, I know I can make it through. It's tough and dificult and most of the time I just want to give up. But I can't. I owe that to you. I owe that to past me who suffered through the darkness. I'm going to learn to swim in the light.

I can do this.


	2. what the heck is that sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi is as lost as usual and is trying to find his way home again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk really, probably more spelling mistakes than correctly spelled words

As soon as a wave of relief washes over me a larger one - not that unlike a tsunami - of panic slams into my frail body. I'm nearly knocked to my feet as water fills my lungs. I can't breath. Math class is already a nightmare. Add on the trembling hands, clouded lungs, and overwhelming anxiety and you get my personal hell. 

I try to stay quiet, I really do. However when swept away in a sea of panic it's a little harder then one can expect. Thankfully for me I was sat in the back. I could ride it out and hopefully be fine before lunch. 

But maybe not.

Maybe I'd make a fool of myself and ruin everything on my very first day. Maybe Ms. Sadai wouldn't want me anymore. Maybe I'd be shunned by the other kids. Maybe I'-

"Akaashi?"

I open my eyes after realising I had them scrunched tight.

I'm met with the concerned look in Hinata's eyes. It's weird, that look shouldn't be held by such an overwhelmingly happy person.

"Are you alright?"

I nod my head and stare daggers into my hands. They won't stop shaking.

"I can ask Mr. Yamamoto to excuse you for a second. I can show you to the bathroom if you need to calm down."

I nod my head again, fearing my voice would come out a strangled sob if I tried to say yes.

After first staring at his bright eyes my own gaze hadn't left my hands. It seemed no matter how much effort I put into making them still it had no effect.

The sound of feet tapping, pens clicking, and light chatter was drilling into my head.

"Akaashi?"

I opened my eyes again and cursed myself for the habit.

"I'll show you where the bathroom is."

A little louder than our previous conversation and I realize it's on purpose. He wants to make this seem like a casual thing not a i'm-on-the-verge-of-a-panic-attack thing. He's a year younger than me and already knows how to deal with this much better than me. I suppose I'm not suprised. He got out of his bad situation nearly five years ago. He"s just had more practice.

"Thank you Hinata."

It's barely a whisper but he smiles brightly anyway.

\-----

The bathrooms give Hinata anxiety so he doesn't go in with me. It's alright though, sometimes it helps just to be alone.

A few minutes passed (it could have been more I wasn't really sure) and I heard the door swing open. Just as I had begun to calm down my heart skipped a beat. 

Great, this is just amazing. So wonderful. Nothing better has ever happened.

For fucks sake.

There's a light knock on my stall and I accept death.

"Akaashi?"

The voice is familiar. But my mind isn't quite in the requisite mental state to figure that out.

"Listen I can hear you in there and I just want to help."

We stay in silence for a few seconds more.

"I have some anti anxiety meds with me. They help me come down from attacks. I don't know if they will help you but it's worth a try right."

Why the fuck not?

\-----

I spend lunch watching the volleyball team practice. There were four things on my mind,

Kuroo Tetsurou, Tsukishima Kei, Bokuto Koutarou, and regret. 

The fourth being the largest and most prominent thought of them all. Regret coursing through my very being as I watched all three of them go up for a block.

They all know each other. Great. They all fucking know each other already.

The ball crashes down off of their forearms.

This is just great.

\-----

My room is pleasing to the eye. White walls and three windows provide a bright and open space. Dark hardwood contrasts nicely and plants layer atop one another as the sun filters through the foliage.

My room is nice.

It's also right next to Kuroo's.

Which is not as nice.

For the sole reason that after his volleyball practice Bokuto and Tsukishima all come over and "hang out" there. 

They all know eachother.

A lot better than I was emotionally prepared for.

The walls are too thin in this house.

\-----

"Shit Kuroo. FUCK, Fuck, fuck, fuck...fuck."

"Oh god, harder."

"What if someone hears us?"

"Who would?"

"The new kid."

"Oh shit I didn't think about that."

Ok... now they are aware of it atleast. That's progress.

\------

About an hour later a freshly showered Kuroo waltzes in. Wrapped in only a towel I strain my eyes to stay on his.

"Hey 'kaashi. Did you, uh, hear what we were up to earlier?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ok, uh never mind then I guess. Um, I'm going to go now."

He sends an akward wave as he leaves and I don't know what to do.

\-----

I should have told them. Because now they are louder and the sound of Tsukishima unraveling makes it impossible not to get turned on.

\-----

I have to see them in class and act like nothing happened.

\-----

It's been two weeks at my new foster home and I'm already jerking off to someone elses moans.

It really is upsetting.

Disgusting even.

Sex is intimate and personal.

Not meant for the pervert on the other side of the wall.

\-----

I'm teaching Hinata how to factor a polynomial in his head.

Kenma and I gossip about the other siblings every night once they've all gone to bed.

Oikawa drove me to therapy and took me to McDonalds afterwards.

Yachi helped me calm down from a panic attack.

Kuroo helped me with my Chem homework.

Everything was finally getting better.

I wasn't stuck on the weird sex my crushes were having with one another. I was moving on from it. I was evolving and growing.

It got better.

It all got better.

For that I was unimaginably thankful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk anymore, comment and kudo if you want


	3. maybe i do want this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi realizes he's in deeper than he's care to be. 
> 
> He realizes he wants this.
> 
> He wants them.
> 
> He wants their love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been eighteen yearz

Death is the most final thing anyone will ever come to know. It will walk up one day and introduce itself. It will make small talk and smile like nothing you've ever seen. Death will befriend you through coffee dates and movies. It will get to know the things you've never told anyone and then while carresing you're face it will dig it's nails in. Peircing your skin and silencing your screams. Your secrets it will spread and your life it will destroy. And there is nothing you can do about it. Because death is final.

And death is what I wish had happened to me.

Because at least I wouldn't have to suffer through dinner with a heck ton of foster siblings and a heck ton of very attractive boys. I could see I wasn't the only one affected by the handsomeness coming from the left side of the table. I was pretty sure Oikawa was undressing Bokuto with his eyes and I didn't blame him.

"So Ms. Sadai, how's Collin?"

Tsukishima made somewhat casual conversation to break the tension building in the room.

"Not so well my boy, turns out he's gay."

A few gasps sounded around the table and I just raised my eyebrow to Yachi who quickly explained that Collin was the American doctor who started working at the hospital and was very attractive.

"I know, it's truly a tragedy but I saw him eyeing up Haiko so I might have to introduce them and see if sparks fly."

She nearly squealed and everyone seemed to chuckle, except for Kenma who was not so secretly playing his PSP under the table.

"Where exactly do you work, Ms. Sadai?"

Everyone's eyes turned to me as I had been silent throughout the entirety of the meal thus far. It felt like my skin was on fire.

"Oh you know that hospital we took Hinata to for his appendex?"

It had been a truly terrifying experience, one that I hoped to never have myself. He threw up on me in the car and the sentiment about my own death seemed only fitting. I burned those clothes with Kuroo afterwards.

I nodded to Ms. Sadai.

"That's the place. I'm an ER doctor."

The rest of dinner was ever so slightly awkward and the thick air that hung originally still lingered. I knew it was my being there which caused such an uncomfortable feeling to fall over everyone. I knew it was my fault. But thankfully I was able to eat quick and excuse myself quicker. Running away might not solve my problems but at least I can avoid then for a little while longer.

It's a good tactic, one which I would highly suggest to anyone who has found themeselves in a predicament such as my own.

But as soon as I had taken one step out of the kitchen a hand wrapped around my arm and I squirmed out of the touch but turned around anyway.

I was met with a lanky giant who looked beautiful as ever. He muttered an apology and retracted his hand. I looked up to meet his gaze and wasn't suprised to see his cold glare directed towards me. How can someone be so angry and so attractive?

"You have clean up duty. I'm doing dishes so I can tell you what you're supposed to do."

"Oh, ok."

Great, great, this is so fucking great. I just love having to clean up the god damn dishes with my mother loving crush who is in love with my fucking other two god damn-

"You ok?"

His voice was soft and the room was empty of any noise besides it.

"Any chance I can fake a mental breakdown to get out of this?"

He scoffed slightly and pulled on some ridiculous rubber gloves that went up past his elbows.

"Nope."

And so it went. Slowly and with painstaking precision (for Hinata's sake) the two of us cleaned the kitchen. It was mostly me as he stayed situated at the sink but we made small talk and passed jokes around so casually that it felt weird. Strange that I hadn't blown my cover. Strange that I found myself pining after him. And the most strange of all was that I thought I might have a chance of wooing all three boys at once.

The thought popped up and I immediately shoved it out of my head. I'd seen how those couples of threes had been treated. The news promotes their illegitimacy, society shuns their affection, and don't even get me started on bible thumpers. But somehow, somehow it seemed that if maybe he could actually pull this off than it might be worth it.

It could be a train wreck and thoroughly destroy the good vibes flowing through the house. There was always a chance they could beat the shit out of me and ignore me for eternity. But then again, anything can happen.

"Tsukkishima?"

The silence was sliced like watermelon with the crisp sound of my voice.

"What's it like to love so many people?"

There was a pause where the both of us where holding our breaths. The kitchen was dim with the bringing of night and the kitchen table shined. Chores where finished.

"Like buying two shirts for the price of one."

I snorted, "Really?"

And he sighed, the kind that people who are so vastly in love sigh. The kind romantic movies try to recreate. The sigh that tears a heart in two and shows every one just how human even the most stone faced person can be.

He sighed and smiled ever so slightly, 

"Yah it really is."

\-----

I suppose life kind of sucks. In a lot of ways life is the worst thing ever. It's like someone telling you hey, your parents are dead but at least you get to see a part of the country you've never seen. 

Hey you eventually die and all you did was for nothing but hey while you live there's like cake and stuff.

It's compensating for a shitty ending.

Life is the worst.

But when I professed this to Bokuto while Kuroo and Tsukishima where out shopping for Lord Voldetort (Tsukki's turtle) he gasped and gave me a look as if I was crazy.

"Life is the best shit there is!"

He grabbed my hand and it felt like watercolors seeped through my skin.

"I'm taking you to see what life is all about."

We went to a bird sanctuary and I couldn't help but find it stupid and funny and romantic and... Shit. This wasn't romantic. I mean maybe it was, woo him Keiji. 

Bat your eyelashes and see if he blushes.

As I set the motion into action I looked up at him (height difference, score) and smiled ever so slightly. He blushed and I couldn't help but smirk.

I'm a flirting master.

He rambled on and on about the owls at the sanctuary and he confessed they were the only bird he knew anything about. 

We laughed and shared icecream and I batted my eyelashes and he held the world in his eyes.

Dear god, the more I try to woo the more I fall into this pit of affection.

Worth it.

"I think that maybe," Bokuto started seeming slightly unsure of where this sentence was headed, "Maybe if these little moment exist, the one's where my cheeks get soar from smiling, if they exist then maybe life is worth something afterall."

It was my turn to blush and I wanted so badly to reach for his hand and hold it tightly to my chest.

I wanted to kiss him until the only word he could mutter would be Keiji.

I wanted... I wanted Tsukishima to do it to. I wanted to love them senseless. I wanted to hold Kuroo's hand, I wanted to give Tsukishima cuddles, I so desperately wanted to make Bokuto smile.

"I think you may be right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed


	4. things are not always as they appear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi is struggling and the past is harder to forget than he ever thiught possible. 
> 
> -
> 
> Y'all, this boy is struggling and he jsut needs some help, guess what everyone he is emotionally compromised. Whoopsie daisy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! Also the edit is important and stuff cuz now this chapter has an ending yikez

It was four in the morning. Everyone in the house was asleep and I found myself staring daggers into my hands. They trembled and shook as if being shoved around by a storm. Squeezing my eyes shut I prayed that I could just calm down. That the storm would pass.

I had a nightmare. My first in about four days and although I was thankful for the break, my terrors returned full force and knocked the breath out of me.

I dreamed of my father.

I dreamed of bruises that had long since faded.

I dreamed of learning to hide them.

I dreamed of alcohol and the way a slap felt. 

I dreamed of my father, and supressed the images that flashed through my mind. A cough in class sounded a lot like a door slamming and when someone goes for a hug I flinch away. 

I suppose I dreamt of the past.

As I stared at my shaking hands I realized it was going to take more than time to get over the past. I wasn't sure what else I had to give and gripped at my lungs desperate to at least pull out a breath. 

Somewhere through the sound of hyperventilation and a tapping foot I heard a door open and prayed that it sid not slam closed.

My hands shook in tightly clenched fists on the table and I belatedly realized that perhaps it would have been more suitable to have a panic attack in a more private location. For example bathroom number two.

And though I tried to be quiet there were more important things to try and calm down. My heart which pounded, my foot that wouldn't stop bouncing, and my head. Lord only knows that being quiet was not my top priority.

Footsteps entered the kitchen and I curled in on myself out of habit.

A familiar voice cooed in my ear and after initially flinching from the proximity it turned soothing. From shrill to melodic the voice of one Kuroo Tetsurou helped yank the breath from my chest and get me functioning again

By the time it didn't burn to open my eyes the voice never left and I all but clung to the sound.

"Kuroo?"

"It's ok 'Kaashi. Just breathe. You're gonna be alright, everything is gonna be ok."

"B-but it's not. It's never going to be ok," A gasp for breath interrupted my sentiment, "I'm never going to be ok."

And with that the heaving of my chest turned to sobs.

"I'm never going to be ok."

 

\-----

I suppose I should be telling my therapist about my nightmares but I'm still awfully new to this whole 'healthy communication' thing and it's tough. I thought the transition from a bad to a good living situation would all be sunshine and rainbows and forgetting your past.

But it's cloudy days spent locked in your room, it's watching everyone play in the back yard and be so happy, it's seeing all the smiling faces and wanting to fit in, it's wanting to be ok, it's facing the reality that you might never be ok, it's nightmares and most of all it is being terrified that you aren't enough. 

That what you do isn't enough.

That the therapist is lying when they tell you any progress is good progress.

It's that feeling you get in your chest when you just feel the whole world crumble in on you.

It's panic attacks and having someone spend an hour and a half coaxing you from it.

It is guilt.

So yah I'm not doing as well as everyone wishes I were. I'm not adjusting nicely to the new family. I'm shutting them out and I don't want to.

Trust me it burns the edges of my soul when I look into Hinata's eyes and see nothing but concern. It feels like poison when Oikawa rubs circles into my back and holds in his own tears. When Kenma widens his eyes seeing me out of my room and hides his guilt behind a sheet of hair I know that this must be what death feels like. I want to rip my heart out when Yachi reads me the story she's been writing and describes a character who felt so out of place in his own skin that he could never find a true home.

And when Kuroo whispers soothing words and asks why I was up so early, I don't respond and see his mouth twitch into a frown. When the scowl is etched Into his face I just want to die.

\-----

It is so very difficult to get myself out of bed to have dinner with the family but Kuroo's boyfriends are coming over and Oikawa warned me I'd need to earn their approval. It was so difficult but somehow I did it and found myself scraping lasagna off of dishes and casually chatting with someone who didn't make me feel like throwing up.

And the next morning it took everyrhing I had to walk downstairs for breakfast but I did anyway and found myself staring at birds and wishing I could fly away too. But then he smiled and I thought maybe it was worth it, to get out of my room this morning.

So when I feel my eyes begin to linger on nothing I relaize that I can't waste an opportunity, even if that opportunity is just a bowl of cocoa puffs.

A day and a half have passed since the kitchen incident and I think maybe it won't just be cocoa puffs. Maybe I'll talk with Kenma today and gossip about everyone else. Maybe I will let Oikawa teach me how to set a volleyball. Maybe I will paint or draw with Hinata. Maybe I will have an adventure.

Maybe not, but if I don't take this opportunity then I will never find out.

And that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

So with the strength of a leaf shaking in a storm I open my door and ignore the concern Oikawa has in his expression. Slowly I make my was down the stairs. I have a white-knuckle vise on the railing and cringe when the stairs creak underneath me.

I can feel Oikawa's gaze from the top of the stairs and someone is in the living room I just haven't had the heart to look them in the eye. I feel fragile. Their stares make me feel fragile and there is nothing I can do about it.

The floor of the living room in cold in comparison to everything upstairs and I shuffle into the kitchen away from staring eyes. At least that was the goal but no one other than Ms. Sadai herself was cooking at the stove.

I entered quietly and just stood there, the sound of bacon sizzling and oil popping drilling into my ear. Apparently I didn't enter as quietly as I had thought and she turned around with a smile that faltered ever so slightly.

"Keiji! Good morning, how are you?"

"I'm well."

With my eyes at my feet and my hands behind my back I cursed the actions of submission I had trained myself into. 

'it's fine to look at her, she isn't going to hurt you'

I dragged my eyes up to find her smiling once again. It was the kind of thing that was just so very infectious. I let the corners of my mouth twitch.

"Could you help me with this? I've got to flip some pancakes, do you think you could just make sure this bacon gets done?"

I nod at her and this time it's ok to nod. It's not a nod of being silenced it's a nod of learning to be ok.

Maybe everything will end up alright afterall.

Maybe someday I'll be ok.

Maybe everything will be alright.

Until then I'll fight for that day with everything I have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait y'all, hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Anyway, comment and kudo, any feedback is good feedback!


	5. Chapter 5

Hey, sorry guys but i'm not going to be continuing this or any other project. If any of y'all want to keep it up just let me know. Have a good one guys

**Author's Note:**

> Comment! Hope you enjoyed!


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